Empty Nest or a Long Goodbye?

[Pat]

The nest is empty, our second son left home last fall. His brother is 6 years older and when he left home it really didn't feel like a goodbye. But now both kids have left it feels like a very long and hard goodbye. And it's made worse when he calls to say he'll visit at the weekend, or in a couple of weeks - but then his plans change and he doesn't visit.


It makes me feel rejected, dejected and sad. Having said that, it is getting easier. Rather than expecting him to visit when he says he will, I keep telling myself that it's ony a possibility.


But it does feel like a long goodbye rather than what I expected my "empty nest" to feel like.

[Berta]

I'm sorry that you're feeling "rejected, dejected and sad" - what a horrible combination. I think you've learned, or are in the process of learning, that our expectations are often dashed down and killed in front of our eyes!


I felt something similar to you as I'm sure many others here did and do still. It's a natural process - our children seem to find it easier to let go of us and move on while we find it hard to let them go. They are gaining something while we are losing something - that's what it seems like.


But it doesn't have to be like that.


 

[Treasure]

It's a natural process - our children seem to find it easier to let go of us and move on while we find it hard to let them go. They are gaining something while we are losing something - that's what it seems like.


But it doesn't have to be like that.

It's a very natural process. They have been looking forward to their independence for years. We've had passing thoughts like, "I can't wait until they're out of the house," when we've been irritated; we've had moments when we knew that them leaving would mean that we've done something right; and we've had moments of utter despair at the thought of them leaving the house because we knew that it meant our relationship would change, at least on some level. That's a lot to feel and we felt all of those things and then some before they even had a foot out the door. I don't remember having that many feelings about leaving home. Right when it was happening, sure. But before or a couple months after the fact, I was pretty happy about it.

I think kids don't always realize what they put their parents through when they say they're going to come visit and then don't end up coming. It's a lot easier to handle if you tell yourself that it's not a sure thing. I try not to even plan on it (easier said than done, I know). It helps me appreciate their visits even more and it keeps me from crippling disappointment if they don't make it. It can take a while to change your mindset though. You just have to take it one day at a time.