Marriage Problems?

[MaryB]

Here's the million dollar question, and I am not asking about my marriage, but marriages in general:


How does one partner fix the marriage when the other does not even want to try?

[Kidless]

They don't.  If one person has their mind made up that nothing is going to work, then it won't.  The only story I have every heard about this is the one where the husband asked for a divorce and the wife asked him to give her a month before he left and she requested he physically carry her to bed every night.  He agreed and through this process he realized what he was giving up.  The sad part was that she kept getting lighter and lighter.  Come to find out she was dying of cancer and had not told him until the very end.  Sad story but makes a point. 

[MaryB]

Wow, that's a great story!  It really hits the point!
I see all these self help instructions for putting rocky marriages back together, and that's what I think every time, and what happens when only one is trying! 
They say we cannot change anyone else, but by changing ourselves,  it inadvertently changes others!  Now what do you think about that?

[Lyndish]

They say we cannot change anyone else, but by changing ourselves,  it inadvertently changes others!  Now what do you think about that?

I think if one partner's already taken a decision to leave the marriage it doesn't matter what the other one does or how much they change themselves, the marriage is probably going to be beyond saving. Their spouse might not even notice the changes if they are already thinking in terms of new job, new home, and, awfully, new partner.

[MaryB]

So true Lyndish, but what about the marriages that are just stale, the kind where one or the other partner is not satisfied, lonely....  Then to bring the spark back or the love that use to be, how would a person do it when one would not take a self help of any kind to change.  Can one partner do it?

[GrownChildMother]

It's not possible. I have been there and done that. In my previous marriage I literally begged my then husband to try to work things out and get help with his addictions, but to no avail. I told him he was losing his family and that's exactly what happened. It takes two to get married and it also takes two to stay married.

[MaryB]

Really good points GCM!  There's marriages that end, and there's marriages that are dead but stay together..  it's those ones that are the saddest maybe. 

[SpotOn]

I agree with all of you here that it literally, "Takes two to tango". One spouse trying to rectify years of turmoil and/or neglect and lack of interest when it has become routine behavior is a lose/lose situation. One spouse doesn't want any change, and the other is just spinning his or her wheels with no possibility for success. 

[MomOf2Rugrats]

We are having issues with this. I'm in a really really bad funk. After my husband told me he felt our sex life is routine. He wants to say that, but then, he doesn't want to help change it? We feel extremely distant from each other & I know that's not a good thing. I'm willing to try. But, I'm not going to be the only one. Especially, when I felt like it was fine. For someone that wants change in a certain area, shows zero effort. I find it strange to not try ☹️