Empty Nest Moms

Empty Nest Moms AND Dads! => Your Life After the Nest has Emptied: How is it? => Topic started by: Quiet Abode on November 26, 2018, 01:42:34 PM

Title: Should Adult Children Follow Rules?
Post by: Quiet Abode on November 26, 2018, 01:42:34 PM
My husband and I have had nothing but friction with our college-aged son this past holiday visit with him.  The issue is that his girlfriend is from another state, and in order for them to stick together during the holidays, he wishes to share a room with her in our home.  Otherwise, she'll go home to her own family and they won't be able to see each other.  Unfortunately for him, the family rules have always been that unmarried couples are not allowed to sleep in the same house, let alone the same room together.  My husband and I like the girlfriend just fine, but we've never allowed this type of situation.  I can't imagine that her parents would be okay with it either.  What do you think?  Are we too old fashioned?  We've offered separate accommodations.  She can visit for a week over Christmas and we'll pay for the hotel.  She also has the option to stay for the entire month long break, so long as she stays with either our daughter or my mom while my son stays with us or vice versa.
Title: Re: Should Adult Children Follow Rules?
Post by: cherie on November 28, 2018, 11:59:24 AM
They need to stick with the rules at all times. I have just been reading your post and wondering what I would do in such circumstances because it would make me angry if a child didn't understand a family tradition. On the flip side, it is normal for teenagers to want to make rational decisions, all in the name of love. The harsh reality is that the girlfriend he is head over heels with, could end up being someone else's wife in future.

I hope you get him to understand that all you are trying to do is nurture him into a future husband who will look back and be proud of the decisions he made as a young man.
Title: Re: Should Adult Children Follow Rules?
Post by: Katy on November 30, 2018, 07:04:04 AM
It's incredibly kind of you to pay for a hotel for her or to allow her to stay with another one of your relatives! I understand that times change, but if this has always been your rule, your son should understand and respect that. I think the alternatives you've proposed are quite reasonable, and I hope that your son and his girlfriend can see how accommodating you're being so that they can spend time together over their break.
Title: Re: Should Adult Children Follow Rules?
Post by: Quiet Abode on December 01, 2018, 07:30:16 PM
I guess I'm glad to hear that I'm not overreaching with him, but I have a feeling the friction will continue right on through the break.  That is if he comes here at all instead of going to his girlfriend's house.  Though, I still don't think the girl's parents will be okay with our son staying with their daughter either so there is that.   


Is the rule itself okay?  Do you all think it's too old fashioned that my family doesn't allow unmarried couples to stay together in our homes?
Title: Re: Should Adult Children Follow Rules?
Post by: Layla on December 04, 2018, 04:05:30 AM
I agree with the others. Your son should definitely be respecting and following your rules. You have gone out of your way to make accommodations for his girlfriend, and I would have hoped they would have appreciated that.

The rule of unmarried couples not staying together may be a little old-fashioned, but honestly, I think it instills good values into your son. Sometimes good old-fashioned traditions stick around for good reason!
Title: Re: Should Adult Children Follow Rules?
Post by: Indiana on February 06, 2019, 01:44:01 PM
Your house, your rules.


You won't be doing your son any favors if you raise him to think that rules don't apply to him. That is not the case in the real world where he doesn't have mom and dad sheltering him.
Title: Re: Should Adult Children Follow Rules?
Post by: MaryB on February 06, 2019, 06:10:30 PM
Hot button topic to me!   :(    This is how I lost my son to estrangement all those years ago.  Her mom let them sleep together in her house, even buying a bigger bed to accommodate my son comfortably...   me on the other hand said no,  go see her in the day but at nite you come home to your own bed..  fast forward he moved in with her folks and stopped talking to us..  FOR YEARS!!!!  My husband blamed me saying if I would have let them we would not have lost him. 
Would I do it that way today?   Yes, yes I would.   :dunno:
Title: Re: Should Adult Children Follow Rules?
Post by: CountryMom on March 02, 2019, 10:16:57 PM
Mary, that is a rather cruel comment from your husband. I hope you realize in your heart, it's not true! The woman he was with sounds very manipulative and something else would have happened that set off his estrangement with you. I'm happy your family is together again.
Title: Re: Should Adult Children Follow Rules?
Post by: MaryB on March 03, 2019, 08:43:12 PM
Thank you CountryMom and I agree with you.  I know it would only have been a matter of time and that girl/woman would have found something else to come between us.  I am glad I didnt compromise my standards then and I still wouldnt today either.  He knows that too!   :big hug smiley sign: