Empty Nest Moms
Our "Senior" Empty Nesters! => Taking care of our Elderly Parent(s) => Topic started by: Quiet Abode on July 29, 2018, 07:59:26 AM
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My father passed away a few years ago, but I still have my mother. She lives in the same area and I visit her most everyday. I take her meals, take her to appointments and to run errands, and help her around the house. She needs the extra support and can be demanding. I'm happy to do those things for her, but she's so darn critical of me. I often feel like I can't do anything right. Do your parents ever tear you apart? How do you handle it?
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My mother used to criticize me a lot when I was younger. Fortunately for me, she's gotten softer with age. I'm sorry that you have to deal with it, especially when you're doing so much for her. I used to try and put a positive spin on her critiques by justifying that she was just saying things because she wanted the best for me or whatever. It didn't always work nor was it always applicable. Sometimes, it's easy to realize that they're (unjustly) taking out their negative feelings on you. I'm sure your mother is feeing impotent in her state and that might make her feel like she has control over something. I don't know. It's not a good excuse by any means, but maybe looking at it that way will help you?
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She's always been critical of me, but when my father was alive, it was bearable because he was the buffer. I'm going to try looking at it as though she just wants the best for me like you suggested. If she truly thinks I'm not doing enough for her then she'll have to call my sister for assistance or she'll need to hire some outside help. I just need to stick to that without feeling guilty.
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It's always at least a little easier to handle when you have a buffer. I hope my suggestion works for you. Sometimes a positive mindset can do wonders, but sometimes it's not enough. I'm wishing you the best of luck! Calling your sister in might be a good idea too, especially if you think she could be a good buffer or that some time away from it all might do you some good.
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I'm so sorry you are going through this. You are doing such an excellent job helping your mother out. Some people just never learn to appreciate others.
My mother is very critical, too. Nothing ever seems to be good enough for her. It can really get you down. It's really difficult to set boundaries with parents, but maybe you can try to tell her that all the criticism hurts your feelings and that she'll need to find someone else to help her if she can't stop being critical of you so much. I'm sure she wants the best for you, but all that negativity really takes a toll. Please take good care of yourself.
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My grandmother has a similar attitude to what Quiet Abode described about her mother. She complains about everything that my mother has been doing to help her. My mother sometimes felt that her endeavor is not needed by my grandmother.