Empty Nest Moms
Empty Nest Moms AND Dads! => Our Empty Nest => Topic started by: Martynblue on January 20, 2013, 07:43:28 PM
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My grown son is struggling since he moved out last August. He dropped out of community college almost as soon as he started, he does not have a job and is living without any source of income with friends. It is clear that he is depressed. This all weighs heavy on my heart and I don't know what to do. I am not able to support him financially, yet I really want to help him. Any feedback or ideas would be greatly appreciated! Thanks, Martyn
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I'm so sorry that you have this struggle. I'll try to share a few ideas. Not knowing all the circumstaces I'm at a bit of a loss but here goes. If you CAN have him move home and he's willing for a designated time, that is a good place to start. The designated time will give him a timeline that he can share with his friends so he won't feel ashamed for going back and you'll help him by giving parameters to work within. Stipulate that if he comes home he has to get any job he can first. He'll need to pay for his food at a minimum. There are a LOT of jobs out there that need full time employees and they don't require a degree. Not everyone is college material and that's ok. He'll have to suck up his pride tho and take an entry level job until he decides on a path. City work (government jobs in general) pay well...he just has to show up every day, be on time or early and behave! He can change oil, stock for stores, flip burgers, clean, lawncare/snow removal. We need all kinds of laborers. Go out for a burger (my son always told me the most when I fed him!) and ask him what he'd like to do. What are his dreams and passions. He will go to work if he likes what he's doing. If he can job shadow some people to see what it's like to do what they do, that will help, too. My kids were never turned down when they asked to follow someone around for the day to see what they do! Check at your church and see if anyone there is hiring or owns a business. Check with the high school councelor and see if they can direct him to some jobs. You can always go back to the high school to get help from them...they love it! Everyone needs a plan. He needs to sit down and write it out no matter how silly the ideas are. People thought Einstein was crazy and actually stupid when he was in school. Be there for him, call him, share a meal, and find a way to get him to talk to you about what he wants from life. Show him how to manage the money that he does earn...save some, buy necessities only. He's probably embarrassed that he doesn't have a plan and doesn't know where to start. That's a start.
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TMartin had a lot of great ideas. Is he willing to move back in with you? If it is possible for him to do so and get some sort of job, he could save and possibly help you out a little also. That might make him feel a little better about things and learn how to better manage his life. It can be really hard for some kids out there nowadays. Do keep us posted, I'm sure there are many others out there struggling.
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It's so hard to stand by and watch your child struggle. It must mean worlds to him to know you are there for him when he needs it, although you can't fight his battles for him. Good thoughts and wishes go with you.
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Hi Martynblue, I'm getting in on this post kind of late but just wanted to see how it was going with you. Are things starting to change or improve any with your son? I hope you will keep us posted and things get better. Take care.
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Thank all of you so much for your replies. They are full of wisdom and encouragement. I am working with Ian's father and Ian to come up with a plan. He does not want to move back to either of our homes, but is open to seeing a former counselor with whom he had great rapport and helped him quite a lot. He is also thinking about returning to school in the Spring Term, so we will see. Thank you all so much for your caring and kind response!
Martyn
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Martynblue, I too have a son that is a late bloomer. Undecided in his life path, but a great son and kid. I really believe that boys are slower than the guys in this regard. Thanks for sharing and keep us posted. I thought all the suggestions were really good and would allow for the ability to gently continue to grow and mature. :tinypinkflowers:
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Hi Martynblue you are quite welcome and it's good to hear that you are all working on things. I'm sure it will all work out in the end (with patience). Do feel free to come here anytime, after all it is what this board is all about, giving and getting support. Take care and as Dana said, do keep us posted.
:pinkflowers:
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Thanks so much, Jeanine :tinypinkflowers: These message boards and all the replies I received here have helped me cope and given me many good ideas. Thanks, all of you who posted. I will update here as things progress. A big hug, Martyn
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From my own experience I know that my younger brother (who is half my age) had a hard time when he struck out on his own. He lived with my parents until he was in his mid-20's and while he always worked I think he became dependent on them for social interactions so that when he moved out, he didn't really know how to be alone. He also had a hard time budgeting his money so even though he made more than enough to pay his bills he was always short.
It can be tough when you are out there for the first time. In my brother's case, we encouraged him to go out and meet new people and I helped him put together a budget so that he could meet his financial responsibilities and still have money left over for fun.
I think that it is great that your son has decided to see a counselor. It might be just what he needs. The best thing that you and his father can do is make sure he knows he can always come to you if he needs to.
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I really hope that things are progressing, and I hope your son has success going back to school. My own son suffered from depression, and only improved when he found something that interested him greatly, that he could spend his time doing.
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I hope things are working out a little better for your son as we get closer to some better weather. We have an occasional day when spring peaks its head in for a few hours. Sunshine and good weather are always good for depression.
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Hi Martynblue.....I know this is an old topic (and I moved it here so I can hopefully get an update) but was wondering how you and your son were doing? I recall you were struggling with helping him and hope things have worked out for both of you. If possible maybe you could give us an update on how things are?
I also noticed a lot of other older members here who haven't been around in a while, would love to hear from some of you too! It's just nice to get updates from time to time on how everyone is doing.
Take care everyone and hope you are all doing ok! :big hug smiley sign: :big hug smiley sign:
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I'm with Jeanine, would love to hear some updates on some of the members in this post! Hope everyone is doing much better. This can be a hard time for a lot with all kinds of situations coming up. Working through them can be hard sometimes.
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As old as this post may seem, the issues raised here are still very much alive in this day and age. I have always insisted to my children that they'll move out when we have both charted the way forward. Well, my daughter moved out but had to come back when she lost her first job. It didn't take long for her to find another but when she left, it felt like she was moving out for the first time ever. We both had a lot of mixed emotions.
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Yes, I think moving him back home is the first step. Make sure he knows that a job is mandatory. It will be his responsibility buy his own food and entertainment expenses. He can always take some college courses online to keep his foot in the door and moving toward the goal. Good luck!