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Author Topic: Becoming More Assertive  (Read 99 times)

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Offline Layla

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Becoming More Assertive
« on: February 12, 2019, 05:22:00 AM »
I was raised to keep my thoughts, opinions, wants, and feelings to myself, and I have been very passive in my marriage with my husband. Our couples therapist is encouraging me to become more assertive and to express myself more, but it is so foreign and difficult for me.


For instance, this past Sunday, I really wanted to spend the afternoon with my husband, but he was really into watching his sports. I sat with him for a little while, but I eventually just went and did my own thing.


I know I just need to take the baby steps and start expressing myself, but wow, it is a challenge! Does anyone have any tips for taking the plunge and becoming more assertive?

Offline MaryB

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Re: Becoming More Assertive
« Reply #1 on: February 12, 2019, 11:21:09 AM »
I am curious what your husband's opinion was when the couples therapist suggested you be more assertive.  I guess he was open to it since he was there?  Then it would make it a mite easier to say something like " I would really like to (fill in the blank) today..  how's that sound to you?" 
That would not work with my husband..  but I'm thinking if yours went to the couples therapist with you he may be more open?


Empty Nest Moms

Re: Becoming More Assertive
« Reply #1 on: February 12, 2019, 11:21:09 AM »

Offline Layla

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Re: Becoming More Assertive
« Reply #2 on: February 26, 2019, 07:03:08 AM »
He wasn't opposed to the idea, but he wasn't jumping up and down about it, either. I think it will take a lot of courage for me to start opening my mouth, and I think it'll take time for him to get used to it!

Offline vivie

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Re: Becoming More Assertive
« Reply #3 on: February 26, 2019, 07:21:21 AM »
This will definitely be a steep hill to climb, owing to the fact you are naturally laid back. I think that eventually you will learn to strike a balance. On the other hand Layla, your husband could help by trying to engage you when he notices that you are quiet or lost in your thoughts. Did the therapist suggest anything your husband could do to help?

Empty Nest Moms

Re: Becoming More Assertive
« Reply #3 on: February 26, 2019, 07:21:21 AM »

Offline MaryB

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Re: Becoming More Assertive
« Reply #4 on: February 26, 2019, 11:31:44 AM »
You are both going to be fine, because neither of you is saying no...   It may be uncomfortable at first but I'm proud of you for taking the first step.  Change is never easy.   :big hug smiley sign:

Offline CountryMom

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Re: Becoming More Assertive
« Reply #5 on: February 28, 2019, 07:45:47 PM »
I completely understand your predicament. I was the same way in my marriage. I was always afraid to rock the boat and thought it was best to "keep the peace" at all times. I let so many things slide and told myself it was for the better that I didn't share the fact I was upset. Well, my husband seemed to lose all respect for me, seemed to purposely do things that he knew upset me all the time, and ended up having an affair. We're now divorced. I realize my situation is a bit extreme and I'm NOT saying that's where your life is headed, but that was the consequence for me. I've completely changed my ways and offer up my opinion to anyone who will listen now. It was hard at first to stop the self-imposed censor I'd trained myself to have for 25 years, but once I "broke the seal" and stopped being quiet about everything, speaking up started to happen naturally. So, my best advice to you would be, even if it feels uncomfortable and wrong to say what's on your mind, do it anyway. Be aware that you're consciously avoiding speaking up for whatever reason you have and break through to the other side.

Offline MaryB

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Re: Becoming More Assertive
« Reply #6 on: March 01, 2019, 01:19:08 PM »
The thing is it's not healthy.  I have had a belly full of not speaking up or voicing my opinions because of the fall out..  I am married to the biggest spoiled brat on earth I think and if he does not get his way he throws a full blown grown up temper tantrum..and dont say I let him..   I have kept this marriage together all these years the way I had to and that's no lie!  I would not get married again for that reason. I'd love to have things my way!

Empty Nest Moms

Re: Becoming More Assertive
« Reply #6 on: March 01, 2019, 01:19:08 PM »

 

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