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Author Topic: Words We Shouldn't Say  (Read 183 times)

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Offline MomOfTwo

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Words We Shouldn't Say
« on: October 18, 2018, 09:09:43 PM »
I had a conversation with my friend last weekend, while we were staying in their house. We talked about the things that we shouldn't say to a grieving person such as "God has a plan for your loved one", "I know how you feel", or "you can get over it as time pass on". These words will hurt more instead of consoling the person that is grieving.

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Words We Shouldn't Say
« on: October 18, 2018, 09:09:43 PM »

Offline Guineagirl

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Re: Words We Shouldn't Say
« Reply #1 on: October 20, 2018, 05:40:57 AM »
I had a conversation with my friend last weekend, while we were staying in their house. We talked about the things that we shouldn't say to a grieving person such as "God has a plan for your loved one", "I know how you feel", or "you can get over it as time pass on". These words will hurt more instead of consoling the person that is grieving.


So true MonOfTwo also minimalising by comparing your situation to theirs.  My Mam was in a care home for ten months when she sadly died, she was on morphine from the Wednesday until Tuesday, sat with her all the time.  The days she died the cleaner said to me Ďitís lifeí I considered it to be the most disgusting thing anyone has said to me ever and I told her so.  My Mam died an hour later. Listening to someone is far better if you have nothing good to say isnít it x

Offline MomOfTwo

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Re: Words We Shouldn't Say
« Reply #2 on: October 20, 2018, 09:00:24 PM »
Listening to someone is far better if you have nothing good to say isnít it x


Exactly. People think they can console or appease others by saying whatever they want. Being quiet, to me, is the best way to console me if ever I will be grieving for somebody.


I'm sorry to hear about your mother.  :big hug smiley sign:

Empty Nest Moms

Re: Words We Shouldn't Say
« Reply #2 on: October 20, 2018, 09:00:24 PM »

Offline Guineagirl

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Re: Words We Shouldn't Say
« Reply #3 on: October 21, 2018, 02:56:00 AM »
Listening to someone is far better if you have nothing good to say isnít it x


Exactly. People think they can console or appease others by saying whatever they want. Being quiet, to me, is the best way to console me if ever I will be grieving for somebody.


I'm sorry to hear about your mother.  :big hug smiley sign:


Youíre right.  I think by listening and not saying anything even just giving a hug means weíve digested everything theyíve said and what they said was important and we leave them to have the last word x.

Offline MomOfTwo

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Re: Words We Shouldn't Say
« Reply #4 on: October 21, 2018, 09:34:01 AM »
We are on the same page Guineagirl. What I don't understand is why people don't understand this matter. What we say or what we don't say to people who are lonely can affect them whether they will be encouraged or not.

Offline Guineagirl

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Re: Words We Shouldn't Say
« Reply #5 on: October 21, 2018, 10:20:40 AM »
We are on the same page Guineagirl. What I don't understand is why people don't understand this matter. What we say or what we don't say to people who are lonely can affect them whether they will be encouraged or not.


 :13:  Oh definately, so true and yeah we are on the same page,  my mind baffles me as to the things some people say or have no respect for someone else either them or their property or their feelings, you could get in a spin trying to work some people out.  If only I could meet like minded people in life like you and some others on here it would be great.  Sometimes, I think I like not having lots of friends as I always feel like an outsider anyway and somethings people say of which I would never say does deflate me and put me off socialising, I donít know about you x

Empty Nest Moms

Re: Words We Shouldn't Say
« Reply #5 on: October 21, 2018, 10:20:40 AM »

Offline littleone

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Re: Words We Shouldn't Say
« Reply #6 on: October 22, 2018, 05:12:10 AM »
I can't speak for others, but I often feel like I have to respond when others talk about the sad topics. I think that's why what we say often comes across as insensitive or rude. I worry that they will feel ignored if I don't show any reaction. I'm still working on it, but this conversation is a nice reminder.

Offline MomOfTwo

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Re: Words We Shouldn't Say
« Reply #7 on: October 22, 2018, 08:57:34 AM »
@Guineagirl, you can count me as a friend. For you to know, I can number my friends with just my fingers. I don't need a lot of friends for me to be happy. I only need those who I can trust and those who can understand me when I'm on trying times.


@littleone, my cousin was admitted to the hospital because of her leukemia. One of her friends visited her and commented something that hurt my cousin. That friend of hers said: "Oh no! Why do you look skinny?!" My cousin told that person to leave before she can respond something that she will regret saying.

Offline Guineagirl

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Re: Words We Shouldn't Say
« Reply #8 on: October 22, 2018, 10:17:09 AM »
@Guineagirl, you can count me as a friend. For you to know, I can number my friends with just my fingers. I don't need a lot of friends for me to be happy. I only need those who I can trust and those who can understand me when I'm on trying times.


@littleone, my cousin was admitted to the hospital because of her leukemia. One of her friends visited her and commented something that hurt my cousin. That friend of hers said: "Oh no! Why do you look skinny?!" My cousin told that person to leave before she can respond something that she will regret saying.
t


 :039:  I hope your Cousin is doing ok, it must be a worry. 


Iím the same MomOfTwo, I do like my own company. Being an introvert I suppose I donít like small talk or shallow socialising.  Like you if we find something in common with someone then that really helps x




Offline littleone

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Re: Words We Shouldn't Say
« Reply #9 on: October 23, 2018, 05:03:10 AM »
@littleone, my cousin was admitted to the hospital because of her leukemia. One of her friends visited her and commented something that hurt my cousin. That friend of hers said: "Oh no! Why do you look skinny?!" My cousin told that person to leave before she can respond something that she will regret saying.
I'm sorry to hear about your cousin. I understand how those words were inappropriate given the time of the situation, though it probably something that friend said spontaneously. The words from those we know seem to hurt more sometimes.

Iím the same MomOfTwo, I do like my own company. Being an introvert I suppose I donít like small talk or shallow socialising.  Like you if we find something in common with someone then that really helps x
Have you ever expected someone to say something to support you but he didn't? How can we tell when someone wants to hear something and when he doesn't, especially when we aren't very close?

Offline Guineagirl

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Re: Words We Shouldn't Say
« Reply #10 on: October 23, 2018, 05:42:08 AM »
I think Littleone  they deflect back to themselves or just look disinterested :017:  , thatís what Iíve learned anyway.  You can tell by their expression if they are genuinely interested x

Offline MomOfTwo

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Re: Words We Shouldn't Say
« Reply #11 on: October 23, 2018, 11:08:30 AM »
Have you ever expected someone to say something to support you but he didn't? How can we tell when someone wants to hear something and when he doesn't, especially when we aren't very close?


Yes, I had that experience of family members saying things that they thought would help me but it hurt me instead. I would do what I would like others to do to me.


With that, I don't express my opinion to someone who is presently hurt emotionally. What I do is ask them questions like "how do you feel?" or "how are you coping up?" This way, I give them the choice to talk or to just keep quiet about how they feel. But I'm sure they will feel my sympathy.

Offline Layla

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Re: Words We Shouldn't Say
« Reply #12 on: November 08, 2018, 05:09:16 AM »
I am so sorry, Guineagirl! What a horrible thing for that cleaner to say to you. :(

It's sad, but I think that we, as a whole society, just want to avoid the grief - either experiencing it ourselves or watching others go through it. Grief hurts, and we don't want to experience the pain. But grief is really important, and it's a natural part of life.

I wish we could all just listen to each other's pain, offer comfort in some form, like a hug, and realize that going through the pain is essential to healing.

Offline Guineagirl

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Re: Words We Shouldn't Say
« Reply #13 on: November 08, 2018, 05:48:03 AM »
I am so sorry, Guineagirl! What a horrible thing for that cleaner to say to you. :(

It's sad, but I think that we, as a whole society, just want to avoid the grief - either experiencing it ourselves or watching others go through it. Grief hurts, and we don't want to experience the pain. But grief is really important, and it's a natural part of life.

I wish we could all just listen to each other's pain, offer comfort in some form, like a hug, and realize that going through the pain is essential to healing.


What do we do Layla when the pain wonít go away and we feel we are burdening others too much, I wish I knew the answer to that x

Offline EmilyJ.

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Re: Words We Shouldn't Say
« Reply #14 on: November 10, 2018, 12:46:44 PM »
How should people respond in these situations?  I see the "don'ts", but what about the "do's"?  I always worry that I'm saying the wrong thing when I just desperately want to help my friend or loved one.  What works best?

Empty Nest Moms

Re: Words We Shouldn't Say
« Reply #14 on: November 10, 2018, 12:46:44 PM »

 

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