Daughter Going on Weekend Trip with Abusive Boyfriend

[Marie]

I spoke to my daughter yesterday, and she told me she's planning on taking a weekend trip with her boyfriend this weekend. 


I am not at all comfortable with this, as I feel he is verbally abusive to her.  I'm afraid that things will escalate into physical abuse eventually. 


This is the first weekend trip she's taken with her boyfriend, and I feel it's a big step.  I don't like the idea of the two of them being alone for the entire weekend. 


I told her that I don't have plans this weekend.  I was trying to let her know indirectly that I am here if she needs anything.  I just hope that she will come to me if something ends up going wrong.  I worry about her.

[MomOfTwo]

Love is blind as they say, even sometimes it doesn't feel hurt. What you did was right because you assured her that you are there if she needs help. We can't always decide for our children, but we can always assure them that we are there to support them when they need it.

[Quiet Abode]

It will be so much tougher to get away from him if they get married and have kids.  Doesn't she realize that if he abuses her that he'll abuse any children too?

[David]

I'm sorry you're dealing with this.  Do you two have a code that she can use to signal for help?  If he ever escalates the abuse and she's afraid, but can't call for help because he's around and will overhear her, she can can alert you with the code.  If her code is "strawberry cake," she might call and ask you for a strawberry cake recipe because she wants to make a cake or the abuser.  The code should be something that your daughter is unlikely to say accidentally so you don't get false alerts.  Hopefully she'll dump him, but until then it might make you feel better to know she has an out in an emergency.

[MomOfTwo]

How would you deal with this problem, David? I would like to know how men handle these things without the use of physical contact. Your code method is good, but men usually use force to tell others that they have the control. I hope you don't get offended by this inquiry.

[girlchild34]

Love is blind as they say, even sometimes it doesn't feel hurt.

Indeed love can cloud reasonable and objective thinking and at times, we fall in love so as to learn a thing or two. Nonetheless I feel that your daughter needs you now, more than ever before. Keep assuring her that you care about her welfare, while still discouraging her from condoning any form of abuse.

[David]

How would you deal with this problem, David? I would like to know how men handle these things without the use of physical contact. Your code method is good, but men usually use force to tell others that they have the control. I hope you don't get offended by this inquiry.

If I knew where the man worked I'd see if I knew his boss and could get him fired if he didn't stay away from my daughter. Other than that, I'm not above using physical contact when necessary.  When a man shows a woman that he's abusive whether it's physical or not, it's best to end it quickly before the gal becomes his stalking obsession which is a whole 'nother level of danger.  The code idea should work still.  If he takes her phone away and reads through her text messages, all he'll see is a benign text to her mother.  He wouldn't know the text contained the code word.  Don't forget that she's wanting to communicate with her mom because she's trying to do something special for the jerk - at least that's what you want him to think because he won't object to that.

[Marie]

Thank you, everyone!

We don't currently have a code word, but I really like that idea.  I am going to bring it up with her after their visit with us this weekend.  I may even suggest, "strawberry cake."  I like the code word because she can call or text it to me, and it won't appear strange to her boyfriend if he's around.  Thank you so much for the idea.