Changing Differently

[Indiana]

Has anyone here found this happening to them? The kids are gone and you and your significant other start changing in different ways?


From ways to pass the time to political and social ideologies? As if they were just waiting for the kids to leave so their own personalities can be taken out.

[MagicMindy]

My husband and I went through something similar when the kids left home initially. I don't think it's necessarily that we grew in different ways but that we were more, well, engaged with one another. Sometimes kids can be so distracting and taxing that you grow a little distant from your spouse without even realizing it. Having differences is not only natural but healthy too (I think). I think it's important to find common ground though. Your common ground has been your children for the past however many years, so you might need to discover (or rediscover) your common interests.

[ava]

I would probably say that I got to know my significant other more after the kids left, but this didn't necessarily mean that they had changed. It could just be that a lot of time was being spent on the kids and so I did not devote enough time for my spouse. Indiana, have you had a conversation about this with your significant other and if so, how was the reaction?

[Marie]

I love what @MagicMindy said! 

I think that the kids are so distracting that we not only lose track of our spouses, but we lose track of ourselves, too.  We have to rediscover our interests once the kids are gone.  Those might have changed over the years, but I'm sure you can find some commonground with your spouse.  It is still a bit of a struggle with my husband and I, but we are going on regular date night and working on it.

[Joann]

It's difficult because when you have kids, you have a common goal, common daily activities, and then when they're gone, all of a sudden you're left with just each other. I think it is important to find common hobbies, things you enjoy doing together but also take some time for yourself to enjoy the things you like doing and he may not necessarily enjoy. Talk about it!

[MerryMe]

I had this experience and that was the reason I got into this forum in the first place. My husband and I became cold with each other because our common ground was out of the house. It took time for us to bring back the relationship that we had before we had our son.

[Mom56]

cold&distant- strangers under  the same roof


i initiated a conversation after our son first left for residence at 18:   explaining our focus was on our son, and not enough attention was given to each other- it's time for us to rediscover each other, expressed  an interest in golfing with him but since he admitted he's not very good at that, then mini-golf, at least we're doing something together;  i know he has talked to(colleagues)and/or explored how to deal with the empty nest Dad syndrome as he is the one who has suggested we do new things- daily walks after supper which will aid in his trying to lose weight, movie date nights(theatre or in house), even trying a new hobby:  our first couple trip, after 19 years, was to Costa Rica and Cuba earlier this year;  he has suggested  learning Spanish as Costa Rica will be our annual escape from the Canadian Winter;  our Summer vacation will be at his sister's newly established b&b in Nova Scotia. Btw:  on our whale-watching excursion the tour guide informed us that the scallops in Digby ,NS are the Best in THE WORLD, not just the best in Canada
Maybe communicate how you feel  you're both changing in different directions and would like to try to be involved in what interests him;  suggest trying a hobby together, travelling(staycations are just as enjoyable as distant vacations);  explore your own city-like a tourist