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Author Topic: I'm 46, shall I try to have a baby, or to find a job in my daughter's city  (Read 2338 times)

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Offline Cindy

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My only child has gone to New York to study, it's very likely she will stay there for many years and even permanently be there.

Should we try to find a new job there, or try to have a baby?

To quit the current job, find a new job, and move house, etc won't be easy for both my husband and I, and even if we successfully relocate, the chance to spend quality time together is still very limited.

My daughter only left home for 2 months, has her own challenges to face, is it appropriate to discuss all these with her? I don't want to burden her.

And chances are, because of the age, I may be not be able to fall pregnant. But if a baby does come, then your life will be locked again with the little one.

Empty Nest Moms


Offline Kidless

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I wouldn't have a baby just because my daughter moved away.  If your daughter is old enough to move out then you may be too old to have another child.  Embrace your freedom, make new friends and plan a trip every now and again to NY to see your daughter.  Many adventures await you with your daughter in NY.  Don't bog yourself down with another baby. 

Offline horizon

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Cindy, if I may suggest something else, try to focus on the things you really want to do. Getting pregnant at your age is risky. Finding a new job in a new city is also risky, especially if the one you currently have is already good enough for daily living. Are they really worth the risks?

Also, have you considered the other options like Kidless mentioned?

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Offline Cindy

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Hi Kidless and Horizon, thank you very much for sharing your thoughts, appreciate your advice. With her being so far away, and may never come back, I feel everything else is not meaningful, "focus on the things you really want to do", yes, this is the question, what do I really want to do? I don't know. All I want is to have her, but I know this is irrational and have to face the reality that she has her own life, she is not my personal property, and she deserves her own freedom.

Yes I know both options are risky... Our current jobs are good enough, yes. My life has been occupied by such emotion of missing her.

Offline horizon

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It's natural to miss them. We all do it differently, so I can only imagine how tough it is for you. Maybe you need a bit more time to adjust and see what you can do in your current situation? You come to visit her and sometimes the other way around. See how you two are liking it. If it still makes you uncomfortable, I think it's okay to discuss it with your daughter and husband.

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Offline Kidless

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Horizon is right Cindy.  Try and focus on some things you want to do.  If you have always wanted to learn to paint or sew or do photography, now would be the time.  I'm sure you would meet lots of nice people and enjoy yourself.  Maybe your husband would like to join you in some new activity.  Give yourself some time to get over missing your daughter.  It will get better.  I promise. 

Offline kismetique

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I don't mean to sound harsh, but OMG, are you out of your mind?  Please do not take offense, it's not meant in a mean way, but in a way to really examine what is best for everyone, not just you.  Is your husband on board for another baby?  I wouldn't talk with her about it - that's just my opinion.  I'm an only child and if my mother had had another baby after I left home, I would have felt she was trying to replace me.  You don't want her to feel this way - and you also don't want to put pressure on her or make her feel guilty for doing what she is supposed to do - find her own wings and fly!


My best friend and I grew our families together, all of our children are approximately the same ages.  When her boys were in their late teens she and her husband divorced.  She remarried a man with a child and they adopted his niece at birth and had an accidental son.  Literally, they have his, hers, theirs, and ours.  It's crazy.  She has never known life without children.  I'm footloose and fancy free doing what I want when I want and I know she is sometimes so jealous that she still has children at home in high school!  Her youngest is about the same age as her first grand daughter.  It's so totally crazy to me.  She's about a 2 hour drive from me, so I go over frequently to see her - she can't come see me because she has kids she has to pick up from school!  The thought of having to remember to pick up someone, to feed them, to do their laundry and to pick up after them is almost revolting at this point in my life.  I would resent it and I am so so so relieved when I leave visiting her, knowing wheew!  I don't have to live within that crazy environment any more.


Granted neither of my children left the state when they left home, but you know - I almost think it would have been easier on me if they had.  Then there would have been that excuse as to why they never called or came by!  With them close, and you never hear, it's VERY hard...at first!  Of course as time goes on, I'm so so very happy with my situation.  It wasn't always this way.  I had a very hard time at first.  I found myself crying daily and being depressed and moody.  My husband was very supportive or I'm not sure I would have made it!  This board helped so much as well.  Come here often and just read.  I really does help.  IT WILL GET BETTER!


Force yourself to get involved in the community, or go back to school to finish your degree, or get a second degree, whatever the case.  Find new things you and hubby enjoy doing and delve into them.  The sooner you make your new life you own again, the sooner you will be comfortable talking to your daughter from a distance.  i'll bet, with her being farther away, you'll talk more and see her more than if she had moved out and stayed close in proximity.  I rarely see my son and daughter-in-law....and at first it irritated me.  Now, when they drop by, I make sure and tell them we have plans to leave in an hour or so to run errands, even if we don't - because otherwise they would stay and expect me to cook them dinner!


Things will work themselves out - have faith!

Offline Cindy

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Thank you so much Kismetique for your advice. Yes what you said make sense. Surely we can change hobbies, jobs, make new friends, move houses, travel to new places, but once a baby is there, there's not much choice left.

I do appreciate this forum, it does help seeing that I'm not alone struggling to cope. Thank you all ladies!

Offline Melee

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It's only natural to miss your daughter, and hopefully since you posted this you are getting along a little better.

Even though it does not seem like a popular opinion in this day and age, and not even in this thread, I don't see anything wrong with having a baby at 46 if that's what you want to do. That being said, I don't think it's the best idea in the world to have a baby because you miss your daughter. That seems like the wrong start off in life for a little one.

I do know of people who've had babies when they were over 50 and got along just fine. Granted the women I'm talking about were very physically fit, very energetic, and very strong in their belief to choose what they wanted to do with their own bodies, even if society doesn't see things the same way.

I noticed, at least in one of these cases, the the woman had a very calm and laid back nature which definitely helped her since everyone around her, including her doctor was telling her to get rid of the baby. She kept the baby, and all was well.

As far as getting a job in the same city, I don't know what you have decided, but I do know that time heals all wounds. The intense way that you miss your daughter is going to subside, and I think you'll feel better, hopefully sooner than later.







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