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Author Topic: Estrangement  (Read 1776 times)

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Offline MaryB

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Estrangement
« on: May 30, 2017, 06:16:19 PM »
This is for those of us that may have a loved one estranged from them.  I thought I posted this here already but cannot find it.  Talking with nvgt16 made me think of posting it again.



 

ESTRANGED CHILDREN - WHY THEY CHOOSE TO DO THIS:  author unknown
One of the most painful things that a family can go through other than losing a child to death is for that child to become an adult and then disown and estrange themselves from their parents. They may do this to one parent or both parents. Regardless of whether it is both parents and just one, the results for the estranged parent (parents) is a devastation that is so severe, it affects almost every facet of their lives.
This is happening all over the world. Is it an epidemic, and has been going on for many years.
While it does affect the parent who is estranged no matter what their sex, there is evidence that it is happening to mothers more than fathers.
Mothers are the "nurturers' and usually the primary caretakers of their children during their growing up years. And in the case of domestic violence, they may also be the "victims" of their abusive husbands at the same time they are trying to raise their children. So for a mother to be nurturing and protecting of her children while she is living in fear and in an explosive environment, is a tall order for any woman to meet. But most of them try anyway.
There are as many reasons why estranged adult children cut off their parents as there are grains of sand in the ocean. The list is endless, some of it is justified and most of it is not. Here are some of the most common reasons that adult children state to justify their actions.
1). The parents divorced and they side with one parent over the other, or they are upset with both parents.
2.) They do not approve of their parents new spouse and are jealous of that spouse and feel abandoned by the parent.
3.) They are used to the parent paying for everything that they want, and when the parent decided that they are grown up now and should pay their own way, they get furious and disown the parent.
4.) One parent is actively, willfully, and manipulatively brain washing the adult children against the other parent by telling them lies about that parent, or making them think that whatever they did wrong in the marriage when the kids were growing up was the result of the actions of the other parent. This is called Parent Alienation Syndrome.
(By doing so, they exonerate themselves from all the negativity that the children may have built up against them, and even make the adult children feel sorry for them and see them as the "victim" of the estranged parent.))
5.) They have moved away and met new friends who are very disrespectful to their parents as well, and who convince them that "family is not important" and that their new "family is their friends."
6.) They have met someone who they marry or live with, who does not like their parents and who influences them to cut off their parents from their lives. These types of spouses are usually very controlling, insecure, and jealous of anyone that takes their partners attention off of them. They issue ultimatums that are "either them or me" types of threats.
7.) Sometimes they are ashamed of the parent/parents because they have married into a more lucrative family and lifestyle then they grew up in. And materialistic concerns and status are more important to them then being supportive of their parents no matter what their economic status. Figuratively speaking, their values have changed for the worse.
8.) Some parents have done such a good job of raising their children that they did too much and these adult children have now become narcissists who care only about themselves and who have become cruel and heartless towards the very people that got them where they are today. They have turned into "people we don't know" or "people we love, but don't like anymore." In fact, many estranged parents feel like their adult children are complete strangers when they used to be very close to them and their "best friend."
Justified reasons why adult children cut off their parents.
9.) Interfering relatives, aunts, uncles, sisters, brothers, grandmothers, grandfathers, mothers, fathers, cousins, etc. who actively slander the estranged parent to their adult children because they have issues with them themselves and see this as a form of revenge and who actively try to be the surrogate best friend, mother, father, etc. of the adult children. Which means the dysfunction is this family was well in place before the adult children were even born.
10.) The adult children have become involved with a religious cult, or friends who tell them they do not need their families and that the cult/friend is their family.
Or the reverse. They have become involved with atheists, who actively recruit them to give up their faith in God and thus their ties with their believing, more conservative parents.
Also, they have become so involved with a super conservative church that they think their parents are not Christians and are going to hell.
11.) They have taken something that you said or did, and misinterpreted what you meant or did, and will not listen to any explanation that you have which would clear up their misinterpretation. They will not talk to you, forgive you, or allow for any latitude to mend things. You find yourself between a rock and a hard place.
There are endless reasons, or a combination of reasons for the estrangement, but the bottom line is the estranged parent is shocked, numb, sad, angry, disappointed, dismayed, cannot believe that this has happened to them, depressed to the point of not being able to function, and even suicidal. It feels like your child has died. But you know they are alive and just not available to you anymore.
There are legitimate reasons why adult children disown their parents. But they are very obvious to everyone. The parent was abusive to them mentally, emotionally, verbally or physically when they were growing up and the abuse continues to this day. Or they are a practicing alcoholic or drug addict, are narcissistic themselves or are controlling and intrusive, and won't allow their adult children breathing room or independence or privacy. They could be the meddling "mother-in-law" or the sexually abusive father, etc. They are "toxic parents" who drain their adult children emotionally, using guilt to manipulate them, and who have no lives of their own so they are way too dependent on their adult children for their happiness.
How do adult children estrange their parents from their lives?
Estrangement can be a gradual "falling away" that takes place over weeks, months, and sometimes years or it can be "sudden" and takes you by surprise. It may be "on again off again" and you feel like you are walking on egg shells, not knowing when the next hurtful comment is made, the next abusive email or phone call comes, or the next "slam the door in your face" happens.
They stop emailing you, or answering your emails, they don't call you or accept your phone calls, they block you on Facebook, or block or change their phone numbers, they threaten you with a restraining order if you come near them or their house, they refuse to let you see the grandchildren, they don't invite you to their wedding, their baby shower, their college graduation; pretty much every single "once in a life time event" in their lives you are excluded from.
You are not welcome at births, weddings, funerals, grand kids birthdays, Christmas, Easter, Thanksgiving, etc. You are not called on your birthday, or Mother's Day, or on holidays. You have to rely on other people to tell you what your child is doing or even what they look like anymore. Is it any wonder that estranged parents are depressed, confused, and feel hopeless and lost?
Estrangement from your adult children is one of the most painful experiences that a parent can go through and it helps to have someone to talk to about it.

Empty Nest Moms

Estrangement
« on: May 30, 2017, 06:16:19 PM »

Offline GrownChildMother

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Re: Estrangement
« Reply #1 on: May 31, 2017, 03:46:11 AM »
This is all very sad, but true. My son has become estranged from his birth father and my ex-husband. His birth father and I divorced when my son was 2 1/2. For awhile, they only had court ordered visitations and then when my son was 4, his father decided he wanted to sign his rights away. He never cared enough to stay in my son's life. Then, I remarried and my then husband adopted my son. Even so, my ex husband was never good to him and often acted jealously immature as if he was competing with my son for my attention. We remained married for 13 years and then after we divorced, he too acted as if my son did not matter to him. When my son was a teenager, he once told me that he didn't know what was so wrong with him that it made not one, but two fathers throw him down like he was nothing. Now that my son is an adult, he has no desire to have any relationship at all with either of the men who were supposed to be a father to him. Estrangement IS one of the most painful things a parent goes through. But, there are also times when it is also one of the most painful things the child goes through too.

Offline MaryB

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Re: Estrangement
« Reply #2 on: May 31, 2017, 12:42:30 PM »
Oh for sure!!!  Your poor son going thru being rejected twice!!!!  That's awful!  Rejection is one of the most painful things a person can do to another person.  My heart goes out to your son, and you! 

Offline nvgt16

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Re: Estrangement
« Reply #3 on: June 10, 2017, 01:04:25 PM »
Hi, I just copy/pasted this from downsizing (my son just called me!!). Thanks but I'm still so in shock and disbelief.. what was it that made him call me!? I can only thank God and everyone who has been praying for this for years and I'm so very grateful!! I was so in shock when I heard the voice on the phone. I never pick up junk phone calls on my home phone, I just let the answering machine pick it up but then this time it was my son's voice..I just fell, and cried and screamed...and then we talked and just kept talking. I was so afraid that the call wasn't going to last more than a couple minutes but we talked for an hour..maybe more...totally lost track of everything else. I honestly never thought I'd hear from him again and with selling the house, it was horrid feeling.He sent me pictures of himself and his incredible photos at sunrise and sunset. He sounds so much more mature..he actually listened to me..I feel like I'm in a dream. Maybe something inside himself told him to call me. And he is coming home soon for a visit and to surprise his sister for her birthday in July! He's planning on driving out, which I don't like, leaving around June 16th. How weird...I haven't seen him since January 2015 and I might see him along with my daughter in about 2 weeks, seriously, so doesn't make sense. I need to keep my faith and beliefs strong to help me with selling/buying my houses.

Empty Nest Moms

Re: Estrangement
« Reply #3 on: June 10, 2017, 01:04:25 PM »

Offline Elizabeth

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Re: Estrangement
« Reply #4 on: June 10, 2017, 06:11:09 PM »
Oh nvgt16, that is great news! Sounds like you had a really nice talk with him. Hope you have many more. Any ideas of why he was 'absent' from your life all this time? Not that it matters a whole lot, at least he is talking with you again and coming to visit too! We are very happy for you, I know you have missed him a lot and I bet your daughter will be very surprised. :) Keep us posted on how it all goes.

Offline nvgt16

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Re: Estrangement
« Reply #5 on: June 10, 2017, 06:27:37 PM »
It's been so heartbreaking as other parents know. He drove out to Utah in January 2015 to complete his BS degree. He stopped communicating that July/August but I had no idea why because the last conversation that we had was positive!! He blocked all emails..cell phone numbers didn't work..I even tried tracking him online but nothing until last night. He said that he had to basically straighten out his life..become responsible for his choices....not talking about the bad stuff..but with his Asperger's his relationships with people has been tough. He was more selfish I think...but we had family issues that made it hard on my kids..after our divorce, my mom passed away 6 weeks later...I went through financial problems then medical issues..been through alot. So with Chris coming back to being with family, it might take a bit of trust on my daughter's part..and patience...but he is so worth it. And the timing couldn't be better because I'm in the process of selling my home that my kids grew up in. Now I will have both kids at home the same time for a month and they will be able to help me pack up and find the right house! I really want to be in my new home before they both leave to go back to their homes.

Offline MaryB

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Re: Estrangement
« Reply #6 on: June 10, 2017, 07:20:27 PM »
 :banana: Wonderful wonderful wonderful news!!!  This gives hope to me and other's with estranged children!!!
I wanted to know if you had tried to contact him, and I see in your last post you did..  I am so happy for you!!!!   :cute group hug:

Empty Nest Moms

Re: Estrangement
« Reply #6 on: June 10, 2017, 07:20:27 PM »

Offline nvgt16

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Re: Estrangement
« Reply #7 on: June 10, 2017, 07:28:35 PM »
I asked him why he stopped talking and after he told me why and knowing that he has Asperger's I can kind of understand why he suddenly just disappeared..they don't understand communication very well. I'm wondering if he didn't think that he was hurting us by not talking to us...he might have been thinking that he is just really busy straightening out his life and when he is all set, he will contact us again. I of course thought I did something wrong but that didn't make sense because I didn't. It all just came to a complete stop, like he disappeared which scared me. I think my daughter will have a harder time, when she finds out that Chris is back, accepting that he's a good older brother now. But patience, trust, effort, and time will hopefully make it all better. God brought my son back to me and I'm forever grateful. I was at the point where I didn't think that I'd ever hear from him or see him again. Now just to get the miracle with my future home!

Offline MaryB

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Re: Estrangement
« Reply #8 on: June 10, 2017, 07:35:39 PM »
It truly is a blessing, what ever the reason!   On the estrangement forum there were parents that were estranged for 30+ years, so it is scary to think it may not happen.   I'm really happy for you!   I'm next ok!    :039:

Offline nvgt16

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Re: Estrangement
« Reply #9 on: June 10, 2017, 07:39:29 PM »
I totally agree! I wish I knew what it was that made him come back so I could share it with you but I other than God and prayers, I have no clue how this happened. It is to me such a horrific experience to go through. In the back of my mind I was wondering if someday I'd have to go to one of those tv shows where they find long lost relatives. I still can't believe what just happened. I hope and pray that everyone gets to have their children back ASAP. Time is precious.

Offline MaryB

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Re: Estrangement
« Reply #10 on: June 10, 2017, 07:43:01 PM »
So true, life goes by so fast.    We're born, then turn around once and we're grown, twice and we're old..  so so quickly it happens

Offline nvgt16

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Re: Estrangement
« Reply #11 on: June 10, 2017, 07:56:33 PM »
Our kids too..once they were in our arms, next in school, then out of college and on their own..where did the time go. That's what bothers me with my kids living so far away and my kids were so spoiled to have their grandparents 30 minutes away and then when they were little, we spent summers together at our family's summer home up in Maine. Now I will have to fly to go see my future grandchildren yet I saved the majority of my kids toys so that their kids would have toys to play with when they'd come visit me or atleast I could give the toys to my kids, figuring that they'd live much closer. But for now, I'm just taking in that my son is back. Keeping it simple and sweet.

Offline MaryB

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Re: Estrangement
« Reply #12 on: June 10, 2017, 08:02:30 PM »
We dont know what tomorrow holds, so here's hoping your daughter will see fit to come back close to you.  I hate that she is so far from you too.  Lots of children have moved to be closer to their parents, so it could happen!

Offline nvgt16

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Re: Estrangement
« Reply #13 on: June 10, 2017, 08:11:57 PM »
I hope it does especially when they start to have a family but his mom and family of course would like them to stay close to them there...don't blame them and they are all so incredibly awesome. I honestly love his family and their friends. But they all now that I don't make a lot of money and that I live by myself..so we shall see what happens!!

Offline MaryB

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Re: Estrangement
« Reply #14 on: June 10, 2017, 08:21:03 PM »
From me losing my son to his girlfriends family (now his wife),  people told me so many times I wanted to smack them,  boys are sons till they take a wife, but girls are daughters their whole life... wait that's not right..  oh gosh.. how's that go now?  Well it means usually the girls stay close to home.  Here's hoping your daughter moves closer to home. 

Empty Nest Moms

Re: Estrangement
« Reply #14 on: June 10, 2017, 08:21:03 PM »

 

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