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Author Topic: The Stress Of My Mother Is Making Me Ill  (Read 2106 times)

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Offline MomOf2Rugrats

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The Stress Of My Mother Is Making Me Ill
« on: April 07, 2017, 10:27:31 AM »
My mom is 59, married to a severe alcoholic & she has a lot of health problems. Mostly due to the lifestyle she lived from age 14-current. She smoked cigarettes, pot, drank alcohol starting at the age of 14. Eventually, added Meth into the mix & whatever other drugs I don't know about. She was an alcoholic up until a year ago, she had to stop or it was literally going to kill her. She hasn't done hard drugs or pot in 30 years or so. She ended up with Hep C from dirty needles. She has cirrhosis of the liver & has been in end stage liver failure for a Lil over a year. She has something wrong with her esophagus. Extremely bad osteoporosis, she needs a total hip replacement if she can handle surgery. She is now established with pain management every month. And after the hip surgery she will need back surgery. And she has something wrong with her wrists & needs surgery for that. I'm sure I'm leaving several things out, there is a lot. She can barely walk with her walker. All of these things have needed addressed for at least 10 years. And she didn't want to be in pain so she just put it off. And now she is just miserable. I live 4 hour round trip from most of her appts like I've mentioned in previous posts. I got into a Lil argument with her husband. Trying to get them to take a Lil responsibility to get her to an appt or 2 thru her free transportation service thru her insurance. I went a week with out talking to my mom. She didn't call because I'm sure she knew I was mad at him. And I didn't call because I just needed a break. She did text to apologize. I told her she had nothing to apologize for. It wasn't her that spoke to me badly. It was nice of her but not her fault. So she called me about how her appt went & now she's been calling me more & more. I have not felt my best since October. And I feel most of it was brought on by her. The week I went without talking to her I started to feel a lot better. No tummy aches or diarrhea, I could eat mostly anything. And have an occasional cup of coffee. Talked to her yesterday thinking setting some boundaries would help. She scheduled 2 appts 2 days in a row. And told her I couldn't do that. She would have to find another ride for that. She said the lady that gave her a ride last time lives so far away. I looked it up. She's 5 minutes closer to them than I am 😳 I told her I couldn't do certain days because I have a bible study & that is a part of MY self car. But my daughter has appts. She has prom stuff coming up. Have my sons wedding coming up & my daughter & I have a vacation. All this plus trying to plan my moms stuff is stressful. She called me yesterday evening, saying her & her husband got into an argument. And she was sick of being treated badly & being screamed at & called names. And she said if she ended up dead it was her husband that killed her. I told her I couldn't do anything on my own. I'd have to call someone. The proper people can get things done legally & faster? She said no she doesn't want me calling anyone. They would just put her in a nursing home & she wasn't going to a nursing home. And I said maybe it would be better than how she's being cared for now? I know nursing homes are not the greatest. But there are some that are in her state. That are 15-20 minutes away from my house that the adult protective service lady recommended the last time I turned her husband in for abusing her. But then my mom lied & said he wasn't abusing her. So, no help! I know I am probably a hypocrite, but, she cannot live with me. Our relationship has been rocky since I was a teen. She gave me up to my dad & abusive step mom. If she would've been sober & not high or strung out of her mind. I could have stayed with her. She chose those things over me. And I did not see her for several years until I was around 19 or 20. And 4 or 5 yrs ago we went 2 yrs without speaking. Just because she is such a toxic person for me to be around. I have fibromyalgia & I don't feel good a lot & I run fevers for no reason. Her being in my home would just make me more ill. I'm really not sure what I'm supposed to do at this point. I get sick to the point I'm bed ridden when the stress gets to me. I've only talked to her for the last 3 days & im already feeling like I'm going to end up in bed for a week. Not fair to myself or my family. Thanks for listening & very sorry for it being so long 😔

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The Stress Of My Mother Is Making Me Ill
« on: April 07, 2017, 10:27:31 AM »

Offline GrownChildMother

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Re: The Stress Of My Mother Is Making Me Ill
« Reply #1 on: April 08, 2017, 03:12:59 AM »
Bless your heart! I know exactly how difficult it can be when the roles reverse and your parents need you to care for them. We just recently moved out of our home to live with my mother who has Alzheimer's to care for her. I also have fibro as well as other health issues and some days the stress and pain take me down and keep me in bed all day. I do not blame you at all for not allowing your mother to live with you. You cannot jeopardize your own health to take care of her. I have always had a great relationship with my mom and I am not taking care of myself right now because she needs me. But, there are other places that your Mom can receive the right care. Besides, if you were not a top priority in her life when you were a child, why should she be a top priority in your life now?

Offline Kidless

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Re: The Stress Of My Mother Is Making Me Ill
« Reply #2 on: April 08, 2017, 07:09:17 AM »

Do not!!!  I repeat DO NOT move your mother in with you.  If you think she is toxic now, living in the same house with you will be worse.  Find her a nursing home where she can get the care she needs or leave her alone for a while.  It has been my experience that people like her always find a way to get what they want.  Please don't feel responsible for her.  You don't owe her anything.  She made her choices and you made yours.  Never once did you mention that she called and asked for your help.  Leave her alone and go see her every now and then.  You have your own life to live.  Otherwise you will be sick too!!


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Re: The Stress Of My Mother Is Making Me Ill
« Reply #2 on: April 08, 2017, 07:09:17 AM »

Offline MomOf2Rugrats

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Re: The Stress Of My Mother Is Making Me Ill
« Reply #3 on: April 08, 2017, 08:29:51 AM »
Thank you friends! I will definitely not be moving her in here. If she chooses to stay where she is. I've accepted its her choice. They used to ask me in the beginning for help. But, now its just pretty much expected. You are right. They tell me the appt day & time or I make the appts for them & just jump to it. I'm not going to call her this weekend & I'm not answering her phone calls. My 17 year old can even recognize when I have any contact with my mother, it triggers my sickness. I talked to a friend yesterday & she said do not answer the phone, and do not call all weekend. And see how you feel! And, my soon to be daughter in law, her mother is a wise person. She said you know how some parents have to cut their kids off. Because they just arent learning & its not doing anyone any good. It's the same with parents. She & her husband are not willing to help themselves & I'm bending over backwards to try &  get her cared for. And, its making me sick. They are not willing to find another ride for appts. If I can't take her, she wont go. Other than this last time. But, sounds like she won't be asking this woman again. I can't reason with an alcoholic or my mom who is on way to much pain medication. So, it won't end well I'm sure! I am being taken advantage of. And I am enabling for sure. I am only one person & can do so much. My husband and my children will always come first. And, Im trying to learn to throw myself in there  too!

Offline Flower

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Re: The Stress Of My Mother Is Making Me Ill
« Reply #4 on: April 10, 2017, 05:07:22 PM »
I'm so sorry that you're in this situation! One of the hardest things to do is take the tough love route with a close family member or friend, but I have to agree with your daughter-in-law's mother in this case. Your mother is going to have to accept support from you from a distance and when you choose to give it. Not only is this totally unfair to you, it's unfair to her grandchildren, too. Both of your kids are at exciting times in their lives and they don't need you to be making yourself sick over their grandmother. My advice would be to set some boundaries and help her on your terms and your terms only.

Offline MaryB

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Re: The Stress Of My Mother Is Making Me Ill
« Reply #5 on: April 10, 2017, 07:56:39 PM »
I have to applaud you for standing up for yourself.  As hard as it is, if you were to move her in with you, it would be much much worse.   I wonder if there is elder care you could get involved to help her.  A van that would pick her up for doctors appointments?
What has took me all this time to learn, is that I count too.  You count too!  Keep standing up for yourself.

Empty Nest Moms

Re: The Stress Of My Mother Is Making Me Ill
« Reply #5 on: April 10, 2017, 07:56:39 PM »

Offline Lyndish

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Re: The Stress Of My Mother Is Making Me Ill
« Reply #6 on: April 21, 2017, 04:04:09 AM »
Well done for standing up for yourself. It is hard to do, but sometimes it is necessary to take the tough love approach. It sounds as though your mother wants you to solve her problems for her, and won't help herself, and that must be incredibly stressful for you.

Have you tried telling her outright that she will not be moving in with you? If that option is off the table then maybe she would be more co-operative with other solutions.

Empty Nest Moms

Re: The Stress Of My Mother Is Making Me Ill
« Reply #6 on: April 21, 2017, 04:04:09 AM »

 

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