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Author Topic: What do you have in common?  (Read 1726 times)

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Offline Kidless

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What do you have in common?
« on: February 16, 2017, 06:59:45 AM »

'Tis a long story but hubby and I are both retired now and finally living together.  We sold our primary residence and moved into our vacation home which is where we will end.  What do we have in common?  Not much.  We are finding our way.  It seems I am the one that gets out and does things and he just sort of rides on my coat tails.  I do wish he could find a part time job or a hobby.  Any one else have this going on? ???

Offline Lyndish

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Re: What do you have in common?
« Reply #1 on: February 16, 2017, 08:59:52 AM »
Oh yes. I'm the one that makes the suggestions, looks up things to do, etc and then ends up making the final decision. He enjoys going out and doing things, but really doesn't seem to have any get up and go, and prefers to coast (and doesn't like the work involved in arranging trips, even just to a restaurant it town...). I've told him several times he needs to start making decisions or at least taking the lead on some matters, but he prefers me to take the lead on everything and it is just really tiring. I ended up telling him he was going to find a hobby because he was driving me up the wall!

Empty Nest Moms

Re: What do you have in common?
« Reply #1 on: February 16, 2017, 08:59:52 AM »

Offline Kidless

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Re: What do you have in common?
« Reply #2 on: February 28, 2017, 06:33:33 AM »
Bless you Lyndish!  I know how you feel.  I can't even go shopping without him many times.  He's always very patient and never says anything but still.....  You know what I mean.  I spent the first 25 years of our marriage learning how not to make a decision and now the second 25 years he want me to make them.  Sometimes I just need a break.  Love him dearly but need a break.  Hopefully he will be finding a part time job soon.  :)

Offline MaryB

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Re: What do you have in common?
« Reply #3 on: February 28, 2017, 09:20:51 AM »
Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhmeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!   I didnt see the 'clinging' part coming in retirement!  I do wish mine would get a part time job and pay for his ciggys...  Living on SS alone is hard enough. 
That's one part where mine got in trouble with my one girlfriend, going with us,  not letting me being alone with her, then I come to find out he had a 'thing' for her!   Now she is coming back to visit in March.. how uncomfortable is that going to be!    :(
The happy marriages are those that do have things in common, in my opinion. 
 :goodpost:

Empty Nest Moms

Re: What do you have in common?
« Reply #3 on: February 28, 2017, 09:20:51 AM »

Offline GrownChildMother

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Re: What do you have in common?
« Reply #4 on: February 28, 2017, 12:38:19 PM »
My hubby and I do not have a lot in common as far as things we like. He's a big computer and video game nerd and I am definitely not. He hardly likes any music at all and I love all kinds. And, we definitely do not like the same movies and television shows because he's a total Sci-Fi freak! But, we were both raised a lot a like. We have the same morals. Family is what means the most to both of us. We both believe in a Higher Power and we both have a genuine love for animals. So we are alike, but not alike, you might say.

Offline MaryB

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Re: What do you have in common?
« Reply #5 on: February 28, 2017, 08:31:42 PM »
GCM, what do you do in the evenings?  I spend the evening in one room, alone, while hub is in the other room because we dont watch the same shows.  That is lonely.  I use to go in and try to watch shows with him just to be with him but man, he only watches blood and guts and cussing and killing shows...  I cant hack that...  so I always leave.  And he will not even consider watching a show with me...

Offline nette

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Re: What do you have in common?
« Reply #6 on: March 02, 2017, 01:23:36 PM »
Even worse here.
Husband had two strokes, now spends most of his day sitting in a chair watching TV, if not called on to do something. Never any motivation to do things on his own. No talking except short questions about where the children are or things like that. His body is ok, but his brain was damaged, especially memory. He did not talk much before, so it is difficult to fix whether something is result of strokes or simpy "him".
Daughter is moving out in a few weeeks and I fear I will go crazy then. Or maybe later on when son (26) will be leaving. I simply cannot imagine living with this man alone. But I also see no way of leaving him, as I feel responsible for him. So no good place to be in.
We were not friends before, just married, strong sexual attraction and similar values.

Empty Nest Moms

Re: What do you have in common?
« Reply #6 on: March 02, 2017, 01:23:36 PM »

Offline MaryB

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Re: What do you have in common?
« Reply #7 on: March 02, 2017, 02:20:50 PM »
Hello nette  :cute group hug:   welcome to the forum.   I'm glad you joined in.  Sometimes talking in the safe place of anonymity helps.  I think sometimes that's where the promise we took so many years ago comes in, to stick together when they get sick like that.  I dont mean to make you feel guilty at all, but am just saying I think I would feel the same way. 
Maybe someone else here has some useful ideas that I cannot think of.   :dunno:


Offline nette

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Re: What do you have in common?
« Reply #8 on: March 02, 2017, 05:33:32 PM »
Hi Mary,
yes that is what I feel. I think had it been me he would act the same (hope so at least). And in a sense it is me, as i have had cancer twice during the last twelve years. So we're both sick. But I just wish those strokes had never happened. It was bad enough when he talked about 5% of what is  normal in my opinion. But now just silence.
But I will see how it goes when it happens. Right now I manage as very busy with coping with a household of still four people and daughter moving and planing new apartment. Afterwards I intend to focus more on my social life (if there still is one). It is difficult as I am married but have no partner. So we are not invited, as he does not talk. And I cannot invite couples, as we'll just be a threesome.

Offline MaryB

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Re: What do you have in common?
« Reply #9 on: March 02, 2017, 05:46:55 PM »
nette,  I know exactly what you are saying.  Being married and alone is like living between a rock and a hard spot.  I think you are so busy now that just anticipating what it's going to be like is frightening.  Usually what we fear never happens and I hope in your case your fears are unfounded.  I cant see how but only God knows.  Sometimes I wonder if any couple is really happy.  I think that's why we need girlfriends.  We are just so different, men and woman, and we dont have much in common after the 'intimacy' part ends.   Maybe I'm off on that, but you know, that's how it seems to me. 

Offline Elizabeth

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Re: What do you have in common?
« Reply #10 on: March 02, 2017, 06:02:13 PM »
Sorry to hear of your troubles Nette but speaking of girlfriends do you have any that you can go places with or just hang out with sometimes? Maybe when you decide it's time to start socializing you can get with some of them or maybe even make some new friends? Is it possible if you decided to go off for a long weekend once in a while that you would have someone that could look after your husband while you were gone. Would he object to that? You do need to take care of  yourself too, that's important! Hope things get better for you, keep us posted.


 :grouphugsign:

Offline nette

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Re: What do you have in common?
« Reply #11 on: March 02, 2017, 06:04:23 PM »
Mary, I feel exactly like that. I have one girlfriend which I have had for over 20 yrs now. She is very important as has my sister become. And I intend to look at many other not so close friendships and see if there will still be something to revive maybe. I also put an announcement into German Ebay Kleinanzeigen, a portal where you sell things and also can find people. I called it empty nest. Up to now just one answer.
But I do not sit passively awaiting the sinking of the Titanic. I intend to swim for my life;)

Offline MaryB

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Re: What do you have in common?
« Reply #12 on: March 02, 2017, 06:33:44 PM »
Sorry to hear of your troubles Nette but speaking of girlfriends do you have any that you can go places with or just hang out with sometimes? Maybe when you decide it's time to start socializing you can get with some of them or maybe even make some new friends? Is it possible if you decided to go off for a long weekend once in a while that you would have someone that could look after your husband while you were gone. Would he object to that? You do need to take care of  yourself too, that's important! Hope things get better for you, keep us posted.


 :grouphugsign:





Oh boy, a trip away from husbands?  Does that happen ?   Awww I know it does.. my sis in law has that freedom, but I have never known it.  Great idea though, Elizabeth!   :big hug smiley sign:

Offline MaryB

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Re: What do you have in common?
« Reply #13 on: March 02, 2017, 06:35:27 PM »
Mary, I feel exactly like that. I have one girlfriend which I have had for over 20 yrs now. She is very important as has my sister become. And I intend to look at many other not so close friendships and see if there will still be something to revive maybe. I also put an announcement into German Ebay Kleinanzeigen, a portal where you sell things and also can find people. I called it empty nest. Up to now just one answer.
But I do not sit passively awaiting the sinking of the Titanic. I intend to swim for my life;)


Oh you are going to be just fine!  You are a go getting, and not a sitter..  already planning on the day you are empty nested...lol   
what is that site, nette?  I know of Ebay, but Kleinanzeigen?  Is that your name?


Offline nette

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Re: What do you have in common?
« Reply #14 on: March 03, 2017, 04:29:46 PM »
No, Kleinanzeigen means "small advertisements" and is part of Ebay. Was meant to be local Ebay in the beginning, but now is mostly by post too like the big brother.
Not my name;)
You just google Ebay Kleinanzeigen and you'll see.

Empty Nest Moms

Re: What do you have in common?
« Reply #14 on: March 03, 2017, 04:29:46 PM »

 

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