How often do you contact your adult children?

[kismetique]

Hi!

I unfortunately don't have an answer for you, but I think I can relate and I'm so very sorry that you haven't heard from him. You don't say how old he or your daughter is. I know the older my son gets, the better he is about contact, but he is still very aloof at times. It seems contact only is made when it is convenient to him.

I sometimes wonder if it is a generational thing and these kids just didn't learn the importance of staying in touch. My son will not usually return texts or messages, but he does read them. Perhaps he feels that much contact is satisfactory for him and feels, or rather somehow justifies the fact that  he IS in contact!  Makes no sense really, but my son has described this to me as..."I got your message, I read it. I had nothing to say, you asked no question, why are you on my back? We are in contact, what more do you want?"  LOL

You mention SSI checks, is there an underlying reason why he might not be in touch? I guess if matters come to matters, maybe have police do a well check. If you speak to the police and find a kind soul, they may take a bit if time to speak to your son about the importance of staying in touch for his own safety, or to keep abreast of events going on in his family's lives.

I'm also sorry that your ex can't help in this regard. This is a child that you share, surely he can understand your concern and make some efforts to help.

I hope you hear from him soon!

[nvgt16]

Thanks for your message and thoughts! Chris is 27...Lauren is 25. I hear from my daughter weekly via text...emails and once or maybe twice a month we skype. My son drove out to Utah last January to continue school. He and I worked together on his plans out there...he asked for my thoughts and advice and I gave him them. My ex and I have been divorced for 10 years now...that shouldn't be an issue for my son. I do believe that my son and I communicated much more often than he did with my ex. My daughter lives and works in Madrid and it seems like my son stopped communicating a few days before she had to go back to Madrid from her yearly visit back home with me. I just can't figure it out. I like the idea of a "well check". It's just so frustrating. My ex doesn't seem to be nearly as concerned...honestly, he's put more thought into his needs than our kids or mine when we were married but even more so now.

[kismetique]

I wonder if maybe he has gotten caught up in life, school, made friends and time is just clipping by for him with his life is consumed with...well, life things, and he just isn't thinking about how you might be feeling with no contact.

My husband, although very supportive, doesn't get as concerned as I do about them either...I think that is a guy thing! LOL no intent to offend the guys out there, I just think they handle the emotions tired with children better than the mom's do.

I'm sure you have, but maybe your texts should address the issue head on. "I need to know you are ok, and I need you to respond to this text. I don't need a novel, as I know you are busy, but are you ok? Do you need anything? RESPONSE REQUIRED."  When I really really want to hear back, when I'm at my wits end, I always end the message with an actual question and the actual words...response required!

Has your daughter tried to contact him? Maybe she could be your go between to prod him to contact you. My children don't have a great relationship, but they do talk from time to time, so that might be an option, not sure. I could get my daughter to contact my son, but not the other way around...as he would poo poo my anxiety and concern.

They all think they are so immortal! Just keep trying, maybe the light will come on soon and he will start responding!

[kismetique]

And HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

[Lynndsey]

My daughter is in college but I try to call her every week if she hasn't called me. She is usually very good about calling me except when she is having mid-terms or finals. I guess I am lucky that she remembers and misses me still.

[nvgt16]

Thank you for the birthday wishes Kismetique! My weekends are usually about just staying home so this has been an awesome weekend with a free ice cream sundae at Friendlys yesterday and a free breakfast at Dennys this morning! I treated myself to 1/2 price appetizer and beer at Applebees for dinner tonite! The best part of my day has been skyping with my daughter and her boyfriend who live in Spain! We actually skyped for almost 2 hours?! I also found out about my son through a friend of mine who lives in Florida. It appears that my son had talked to a friend of my ex and told the friend where he (our son) is now living. BUT, my ex won't tell me where our son is. As my friend in Florida said, my ex doesn't care about anyone but himself. Supposedly my son is fine..which is good for me to know. I think my son moved to Montana like he told me before that he was thinking of doing. So I'm good now about my son's situation. My ex though is a *** but he has to live with himself. I told my daughter about this situation and she has lost even more respect for her dad. She feels that he has lost concern for she and her brother and has basically just lost his daughter too. At Christmas time I guess he complained that he didn't have much money, now that he's partially retired so he couldn't do much for her at Christmas but just spent 1 month in Asia with his recent girlfriend!? He said he was going to help contribute to a emergency medical procedure she had to have done..but he hasn't contributed anything. And here I'm trying to help out with my low paying job. I'm so proud of my daughter<3

[EdieB]

My Kiddo is 19 and in college, so I hear from her pretty regularly (mostly along the lines of "Could you send me thiiiis?", but occasionally actual talks about things that are going on in her life). It's interesting -- since she went away, I've thought a lot more about contacting my own mom on a regular basis instead of expecting her to call me. Just another case of life experience creating greater empathy, I suppose.

[kismetique]

I am so glad you heard about your son! That is fabulous and reliving news.

I think I must be one of those helicopter parents...I have to know my little chicks are ok on a fairly regular basis, so kudos to you for handling this situation with patience and grace. I think sometimes because I'm so hands on, I get shut out at times when they are just really busy "living their lives".

I have wondered along the lines of what Edie said, about contact with my own mom. I'm sure, when I think back, when my husband and I moved away from her due to his work, that I didn't call with any regularly like I should have. I was busy trying to make a life in a new town where I knew no one, raise 2 pre-teens while their father traveled extensively for work. However, I wonder if I had made the time to call my mom (my father had already passed away by this time) on a regular basis and involved my children in the ritual if I would have instilled that responsibly in my kids. Your know how hindsight is!  LOL

As a result of not hearing from our children as much as we would like, we have gotten much better at communicating with our own mom's. I call my mother daily or every other day, and my husband calls his every week on the same day.

Sorry, I'm just rambling now...I'm just so happy that you were able to breathe a sigh of relief to know he is alright!

[nvgt16]

For me, I was always talking to my mom or stopping by to see her but she passed away 10 years ago this past December 15th..6 weeks after my year long divorce. I talk to her now but it's not the same..but I'm quite sure she is with me because I have two little angels on my kitchen stove that actually move and I believe she is the one moving them to let me know that she is with me. We were so very close...both taught Spanish...we went on an awesome conference together a few years before she died...the best time ever. My kids and I would spend most of each summer at our family's summer home on a lake up in Maine. I also like to know where my kids are but with them both 1000s of miles away I need to have faith that they are being watched by someone from above:-) I just happen to have 2 very independent kids but my son should never put me through this hell that he has put me through but atleast I know that he is fine. I can move on. He actually contacts my daughter's boyfriend in Spain first, when he contacts family but then again I"m usually talking/skyping with him too. Who knows...I'm still learning how to be a single mom!?lol