Pushy Friend Who Thinks She Is MY Life.

[Maria]

I have been through Empty nest for several years now. My divorce comes final in two weeks. I am having problems with a friend whose
husband passed when her kids were young. Now her kids are in late 20's,where they don't feel they need her.


The problem is: She is pushing me with this line: We need to start figuring out what makes us happy, now that we aren't living our lives
through our children and husbands anymore. Keeps saying it over and over. What would you like to do, maybe we could make a bucket list of things to do.
Fact of the matter is I don't want to be pushed.
And, to be honest,  I don't put this friend in the category of really wanting to do stuff with her. I mean she calls and says I'm going to pick up farm supplies,
wanna ride and we'll get something to eat. If I'm not busy I will, if I'm busy I won't. We have 4 or 5 meals together a week. But that is all I am interested in.
She is rather pushy and a meal is about all I can handle.


I want to deal with this, but at times, when nervous, I don't always handle things in the most delicate way. Can you throw some thoughts at me, where I might
let her know that the friendship we have now is sufficient for me? I have several friends, and I do different things with each. But like I said this one is pushy.
I will give some examples. I was telling her that the last year before pre-school that I would like to (if son and daughter-in-law will allow) like to pull granddaughter out]
of daycare and do more quiet activities with her, make sure she has all of the prerequisites before she starts school. She is like....Well, maybe you shouldn't do that.
Maybe a day or two a week should be sufficient. About my moving to a different part of my state, then when will I see you? The suggesting that me, my friends and her
should go rent a place there, for a week and see what's there to get into. No matter what idea I have, she has a better way.


PLEASE help me devise an eloquent way to say thanks but I am just NOT interested. So that I can get on with my new divorced life. I spent 36 years allowing myself to be controlled
and I am just done with that.  NEVER AGAIN, by anyone!
Thanks for any help.

[Kidless]

Wow!!  Sounds like you just need to back off and do as little with her as possible.  Whenever you do go out with her, you are enabling her to be pushy with you.  Have other things to do when she calls and just learn to say no.  I once had a neighbor who didn't work and would meet me at the door when I got out of the car every afternoon after work.  Unfortunately, like you, I never had the guts to say could you give me just 30 minutes to change clothes, love on my babies and unwind.  I finally moved away after a divorce and never saw her again.  Good luck.  My heart is with  you. 

[Maria]

I may very well move away and that might take care of it. But for now I can't. I guess I will
avoid her and on the few time I go out with her, I will avoid the topic of children, because
when we lament about the kids, (all adult) is when the topic always comes up. Avoidance.
Thanks!

[Camie]

If you avoid her will she get the point after a while?  Sometimes these types of people are so wrapped up in themselves they don't notice hints that you are making.  You really shouldn't have to move to not have to see her all the time, that's not fair to you.  Just slowly wean her out of your life.

[Maria]

Oh, this wouldn't be the reason that I move. It would just be an added benefit.
I guess the straw that broke the camels back is when she blew up at me at dinner
the other evening because I had different thoughts on the Killing where the
two police officers were holding the guy down. We are not like-minded people.
She is extremely liberal and me totes conservative. She asked me one time....What does it
mean to be a conservative Republican...and the way she asked it was like she didn't think
I was going to be answer that.  I just turned the question around and said Well, let me ask YOU something,
What does it mean to be a liberal democrat such as yourself . She looked at me and just said "touche".
I don't care if you are black, white, liberal, conservative...whatever the difference, I will be happy to have
any conversation with you....just don't challenge me like you know, right off the bat that I am wrong.
Don't get me wrong, she is a nice person. She has lived in this town half the time I have and knows WAY
more people...So why is it that I am the one being drug into the what can we do to make ourselves happy conversation?
She has a canoe, loves to compete , has friends in NO VA and in SC who are dear to her......Why me? Go do something with them.

[amsmomm]

I can't say that I blame you for not wanting to d things with her. Who needs pushy friends? I would just flat out tell her. Listen, you're being too pushy and I don't like it. She either stops or you stop going to dinner with her.

[Maria]

Well as it turns out, my brother was upset about something she put on her Facebook page.
She had apparently friended him and so he commented on it, citing his opinion. And I haven't heard from
her since. She got extremely upset with me for stating my opinion at the restaurant and had a small explosion.
Telling me that we wouldn't bring it back up, but then bringing it back up to which I stopped the conversation.
I have had differences of opinion with lots of people, but never had a friend do this.So, she may be upset with
me or my brother. I'm not sure But until things cool off...Space is good. But thanks for all of your opinion.
I rarely did what I wanted to do because my ex never wanted to do anything . I basically want to do what makes
me happy, not have to spend half my time doing what someone else wants, as selfish of me, as that sounds.
She is a nice person, and I did enjoy going out to dinner, it was just too much too soon.

[Elizabeth]

Well I'm getting in on the end of this topic but sounds like she might have backed off a bit if she is mad at you now? Maybe later if/when she cools off things will be different? You could always cut back the time you spend with her by making some sort of excuse when she asks you to go out. Possibly after a while she might not ask you as much. Anyway right now sounds like a waiting game to see where it all goes. Good luck!

[Maria]

I was really hoping for a way to slow down without hurting her feelings.
But it is VERY apparent, that they are, for her not to call me at all. I suppose
I could have called her, but the ball was in her court. And I'm not anxious about
a conversation at this point. I guess time tells all. But I haven't stopped doing.
And I m sure she hasn't either. I guess it worked out the way it was meant to be.
Thanks for your insight.